I’m that girl that has wanted a family since I was little. I had a gagillion baby dolls and loved to dress, feed, and play with them. I’ve always dreamt of one day being a mom, but I’m still waiting for that to happen. I’m 31. To most that is not old, but to me, its ancient…sorry everyone that’s older than me :). According to lovely “statistics” and doctors I have “plenty” of time left to have kids, however I do NOT feel that way. I am a planner, I like to know my future, well parts of it anyway, and unfortunately that is not how the world works. I had planned that I would be married and my first child would come by 25. Isn’t that everyone’s dream? Well, 6 years later, I’m still not married and still no kids. Most days I’m content with where I am. I have a great job, a loving fiancé, friends, family, and a house over my head, but deep down I still have that aching question of “will I ever be a mom?”.
For 18 long, stressful, heart aching months, Mike and I tried to conceive. It started out as us knowing we were getting married, and we’re not getting younger so why not, lets try! Then it turned into me questioning what was going on? Is something wrong with me? People make it look SO easy and here we are unable to get pregnant. Question after question ran through my head…am I too old now? Is something wrong with my body? Is something wrong with Mike? Will I ever be able to have kids? I starting reading article after article online about others that are going through this and to see how they handled it. I also spent hours reading pregnancy forums where other moms post what they went through and what they’re going through now. At first I enjoyed reading the forums, it made me feel better that there are others out there going through what I was going through, but it started to be all I could think about. There wasn’t a day where I would wonder if I was pregnant, wonder if THIS MONTH WAS MY MONTH, will I get my period or will it be another let down? I’m also pretty sure that I annoyed everyone around me with my constant “I just saw another pregnant person and I want to scream” antics. Poor Laweezy had to hear it just about every day.
During those 18 months I decided I was going to do all that I could do. I bought ovulation tests and did them for about 6 or 7 months straight. Some came back what I thought were positive and others I’m sure I didn’t do them right. I read several ovulation articles on how to track your ovulation yourself. I downloaded an app on my phone to monitor my period and ovulation. According to the app, it told me when I was fertile and ovulating and when I “should” get my period. Let me take a moment to be more detailed than I probably should. My periods come at the same time every month. For the most part I’m always on target with the lovely arrival date, give or take ONE day. So, I trusted this app, yes, I trust a computerized program to tell me when I’m fertile and ovulating. Really?! At the time I thought it was smart, and still use it, but only to monitor when my period is expected. Being busy I tend to forget when I’m supposed to get that lovely monthly time, and I don’t like to surprised by that! Really, the app just added to the stress. This isn’t how creating a family should be! This wasn’t how it’s intended to happen! What did people do before articles and apps..oh they just did what they’re supposed to do naturally…go with the flow. In addition to the app, I read on tracking my Basal Body Temperature. I started monitoring my temps about a year or so after trying with no luck. I bought a special thermometer and checked my temperature every morning. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I realized something was wrong.
I checked my temps the same time every morning, before I would get out of bed or basically even move…exactly what I read to do. My temps would fluctuate, but never get over 97 degrees. That’s not unusual, but of course after MORE reading I read a lot of information about thyroid issues and temps. In 2012 I had some issues with my body not feeling right. I went to the doctor and they did blood work and it came back with hyperthyroidism. I had ultrasounds done on my thyroid and that came back normal. My endocrinologist told me that my thyroid can fluctuate and work correctly one day and be off the next…but she did nothing about it. I didn’t question her, she was a doctor, I trusted her…dumb on my part. In 2014 I started noticing my moods changing, the SMALLEST thing would irritate me, I was emotional, attitudy, angry, and just wanted to sleep ALL day. I was so tired I would wake up at 9am on a Saturday and want to take a nap at 2pm. I decided to go to a different endocronolgist for more blood work. It was 2 years later from my other tests so either things changed for the better or worse. And, as I guessed, it was for the worst. My blood work came back as Hashimoto’s Disease. This was it…I thought this was the issue why I haven’t gotten pregnant. Hashimoto’s has been linked to infertility, and I thought for sure this is what the problem was. I was put on medication and monitored every few months. My endocronoligst told me that most of her patients that have the same thing, get pregnant in a few months. I had hope again! Months pass and pass and still nothing. I visited my gyno for my annual, and of course “I still have plenty of time” so I felt he wasn’t really concernced. He asked me if I was monitoring my ovulation, yes. Was I monitoring my temps, yes. Is my period normal and regular, yes. So, he called for a sonogram of my ovaries…again, nothing wrong! It started to become very frustrating, so I talked to Mike and he went to the doctor to get himself checked out. The results…shocking enough, NORMAL! Nothing wrong with him or his “manlihood”.
I couldn’t take it anymore, still trying and stressing (not a good thing), it started to weigh me down. It stressed our relationship and made things tough on us. We were trying too hard for something that shouldn’t be this difficult. I got to the point where I didn’t want to see a pregnant person, or even hear the words “pregnant”. Shockingly enough one of the girls I worked with announced she was pregnant, then two months later my sister and brother-in-law announced they were pregnant. A few months go by and here I know about 5-6 people expecting. Again, WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?? Then it hit me.
I heard it over and over and over again, and got mad every time someone said it…”its just not your time”. GAH!!!!!! Nobody wants to hear that! But, you know what? They were right. We’re not doing things the right way. We’re not married yet, and I don’t want to be pregnant on my wedding day, or have to worry about a baby crawling around while we’re trying to enjoy our big day, that we should enjoy! I want to stay home when we have kids, and if we would’ve had a baby at the time we were trying, I wouldn’t have been able to. Now, we’ve been saving my entire paycheck and only living off Mike’s check. This has allowed us to save money for me to stay home when the time comes we actually have a baby. You know, I was raised in church, that everything is in God’s timing, yet when your own selfishness blinds you, you forget that. I forgot that. I wanted something SO bad, I wasn’t listening to my own heart and head and that God was telling me that now really isn’t the RIGHT time. Do it the right way, get married first and hopefully then He will bless us with a family.
I am content now, more than I used to be. I still have my days where I get depressed seeing that cute little pregnant belly waddling in front of me at the grocery store, or hearing yet ANOTHER person announcing their pregnancy, but I have a positive outlook that I will ONE DAY be able to say I’m pregnant! We’re getting married in October and we will be trying the end of this year. Once we start trying, I will keep everyone up to date on how things are going to see if it will once again be a long journey, or fingers crossed, a SHORT one!
If you’re going through anything similar to this, or not even similar, but having trouble conceiving, my best advice…find a great doctor to work with. Monitor your own body, only you know how your body works and you can keep a daily log. Track your temps and get your blood work done. My gyno didn’t even offer to do blood work after a year of trying. I had to do it myself. Trust your doctor, but trust yourself more. No one person is alike so a problem you may have someone else may not have and your doctor may not think to test you for that. Keep your head up! I know that annoyance you feel when someone says “I’m pregnant”, I know how bad you want to scream. You know what helps?! Deleting Facebook! Seriously, I deleted my Facebook account. If you cannot stand to see a post about someone being pregnant, but don’t want to say goodbye to the social world, block the posts. Do what you have to do to be able to cope, but still be human :). Good luck! And, I hope to share soon…maybe a nice Christmas gift this year that, we’re expecting! For now, we wait.